After the Hurt Page 5

  Pepper’s throat tightened and her eyes blurred. Mom must have been so scared. All alone in the hospital room, wondering what was happening and why no one was with her. Pepper’s chest burned and the agonizing pain of guilt reared up again, threatening to overtake her. She tried to draw comfort from the nurse’s words: Most die alone. She’d explained many die quietly when their loved ones leave their side for a few moments. To get a coffee, or a shower, or food. Almost like they waited for the moment of peace, not wanting to upset their family any further.

  Pepper knew with all her heart and soul that if the roles were switched her mother would have been with her every second. God, how she missed her mom. In every way. Unable to hold back the grief, Pepper cried.

  Cried for all the hurt and loneliness eating her up inside. Cried for what she’d seen while away—the dying and distraught families. For being alone. For losing Tank. And for her lost jar of sand.

  Pepper collapsed on the floor. She curled up next to the sofa, unable to stop the sadness. Maybe not even really wanting to stop it. She let the grief come, another thing she’d learned. Mustn’t bottle it up but let it out. She sobbed into her hands. The vision of her mother, staring at her with frightened eyes and unable to speak, was forever burned into her mind. Pepper hadn’t cried in front of her mother. She hadn’t wanted her to feel even more scared over what was going on. Her mom dying hadn’t even been a thought Pepper had entertained, fully expecting her to fight the infection and live. She’d held her mother’s hands, told her she was the best mom ever, how much she loved her. And yes, she even said it was okay if she wanted to go, not ever thinking it would happen. But it had. And Pepper hadn’t been ready for it.

  “I want you back,” Pepper sobbed. “I wasn’t ready to let you go. Ooh, Mom.” Burying her face in her arms, her emotions poured out. She couldn’t keep them contained any longer. The upset of last night’s visit at the Octagon and the craziness of the past few days ripped her apart. Tank’s face swam before her tear-filled eyes and her heart clenched. How she needed him to hold her, and tell her it would be all right. Yes, he’d tried to do that six months ago and she hadn’t let him. She’d really botched everything up so badly. With everyone.

  Pepper coughed, sat back, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She tried to catch her breath and took big gulps of air. Her nose was stuffed and pressure began to back up behind her eyes. She was a mess. Blinking away the tears, she pushed herself to her feet, nearly tripping over her bag on the way to the bathroom to blow her nose. Staring at herself in the mirror, the woman she saw reflected was not the woman she used to be. Life experience, both happy and sad, had changed her. It was reflected in the fine lines on her skin and the drawn cheeks, and yes, the hurt even showed in her eyes.

  Splashing water over her face, Pepper took deep breaths and calmed herself. Wiping away her smudged mascara, she decided to not bother reapplying it. With another deep breath, she pushed her fingers through her hair, her somewhat cleansing and spontaneous outburst behind her. She had come to terms with it. Really she had; it was just an explosive grief-filled moment that happened sometimes.

  After scattering the ashes and finding the hospice in Bali, Pepper had gained a level of understanding. Volunteering in the hospice had been one of the most rewarding experiences. She did everything she could for the sick and their families. A few times she’d held the hand of a person as they left this world and their suffering behind, sitting silently by their side as they drew their last breath. She now knew that the swiftness of her mom’s illness and death was probably a godsend compared to the suffering her lung cancer would have caused. Working at the hospice had taught her a lot about life and gave her the courage to come home. Overall though, she enjoyed the people, slow pace of life, the peace and tranquility. If only she could bring that back here with her.

  Pepper shivered, longing for the heat of Bali. There was nothing but cold and snow here. She glanced out the window and her shoulders drooped. Gray skies and blustery snow as far as the eye could see. She really did try to find the beauty in winter, but she couldn’t.

  Had it been a mistake to come back? Sometimes you can’t go back to what once was. Maybe she’d taken too long. It’d been easier to stay away than to return and say she was sorry. She hadn’t kept in touch. Mainly because her cellphone had died, the battery and charger fried from the different electrical currents and from getting wet when she’d left her bag in the rain. She didn’t want to pay for an international plan, either, and truly she enjoyed the disconnect from technology, so she finally decided to throw it out. It was one of the most liberating experiences, not to be tied to a device that really didn’t bring her any pleasure. If anything, it only increased the distance between her and human contact.

  Pepper did regret not calling Tank before ditching the phone. She should have; she knew that now. But, at the time, she’d been unable to find the courage to call. Then time had just gotten away from her. It seemed too late to reach out when she finally did have the courage to face him and likely, his anger. She’d just chickened out.

  Slinging the duffel over her shoulder, she scanned the hotel room one last time, looking for anything she might have forgotten. All good. After closing the door behind her, she rode the elevator down to the lobby, eager to see if her suitcase had arrived. Everyone seemed to have the same idea. It was chaos, and the concierge line was horrendous. She waited patiently for her turn, watching the crowd of people pass through the lobby and in and out of the restaurant. She was hungry and could have used a bite. Not to mention a big, delicious coffee.

  “How may I help you?”

  Pepper turned back to the counter. “Yes, I’m waiting for my luggage to arrive from the airline. Has it come? My name is Pepper Chapman.”

  “One second and I’ll check for you.” He went into the back room and a couple minutes later came out with a familiar bag. “Is this yours?”

  “Yes, thank goodness.” Relief flooded through her. Not that she had anything of value inside, other than her little sand jar, but it was the extent of her worldly belongings.

  “I need some ID, miss. Before I can let you take it.”

  Pepper deflated. All her identification was still missing, along with her wallet. “I don’t have any. I lost it after I arrived last night and haven’t been able to get anything replaced yet.”

  “I’m sorry, then; I can’t let you take the bag.”

  “Seriously?” This was just one more thing to add to the growing pile of shit. Anger bloomed, but she bit it back. “Come on, I can tell you what’s in it and what the tag says. Please, I’ve just traveled halfway around the world, and all I have is in that bag.” Pepper pointed at it and made direct eye contact with the concierge.

  He looked at her and chewed his lip. Then the crowd behind her started to get a little vocal. He grabbed a piece of paper and pushed it at her. “Fill this out. I’m going to call my manager. It’s up to him.”

  Pepper stepped aside to let the people behind her come forward and quickly filled out the questions on the paper. When it came to “current address,” her heart dropped. What could she put in there? The only possibility was Octagon’s address. It wasn’t a lie, because she was part owner.

  Once she was able to convince the manager the bag belonged to her, and with the paperwork filled out, he released the suitcase. She nearly lost the bellboy in the crowd as she followed him to the taxi stand. She pushed through the doors and frowned when she saw he’d dropped the suitcase and duffel right in front of the entrance.

  “Shit, a few more steps wouldn’t have hurt,” she muttered under her breath. Before she could move her bags, a crowd spilled from the hotel, dodging to avoid them. A young woman with a cane nearly tripped over them. Pepper rushed to her side, taking her elbow to steady her. “Are you okay? I’m terribly sorry.”

  The woman’s blonde hair hid her face. “Oh, that’s okay. Why would someone leave a bag in such a bad spot, anyway?”

  “I know.” Pe
pper kicked it aside and assisted the woman. “The bellboy unloaded it here without thinking. I was going to move them but wasn’t quick enough before the crowd—”

  She stopped midsentence when her gaze met that of the woman. Big, blue eyes expressing surprise gazed back at her. “Oh, Pepper.”

  “Meg! How wonderful to see you.” Pepper was genuinely pleased and was about to give her a hug, but when Meg seemed to hesitate and step away, Pepper withdrew, trying not to feel hurt about it. Pepper supposed she couldn’t blame her for being distant. Since Meg was Tank’s sister, Pepper would expect no less. “I’m so glad to see you’re getting around on your own.”

  “Yes, I am. Doing my best.” She faced Pepper. “I heard you were back.”

  “Yes, I arrived yesterday.” How had Meg known? Then it dawned on her. “Tank told you?”

  Meg nodded, handing the valet her receipt. “Really, Pepper, the way you left was a bad thing.”

  Heat flushed Pepper’s cheeks at Meg’s reprimand. No one seemed to understand that she simply had to flee and she wasn’t going to try to explain it, at least not here. All she could do was ask for forgiveness.

  “Is he here?” Pepper asked.

  Blue eyes speared her. “Why do you want to know? So you can hurt him again?”

  “I, ah…no…um.” Caught completely off guard by the accusation, she was momentarily at a loss for words, though all she wanted to say was that hurting Tank was never her intention at all. Quite likely, she would be the one getting the boot and being hurt.

  “Save it. Yes, he’s here.” Meg turned to watch for her car.

  Pepper sensed him before she saw him. That strange physical presence she was so attuned to. As if his energy came across the air and wrapped around her, lighting her up. She swung her gaze and there he was, waiting behind a throng of people lined up to come through the glass doors. You couldn’t miss him. He towered over everyone. Pepper’s breath caught in her throat. The anticipation of talking to him again made her tremble. God! Why couldn’t she just keep herself together?

  Seconds later, Tank pushed through the revolving door, holding a cellphone to his ear. An odd flash of emotion sparked in his eyes when he saw her. Then it was gone. He nodded and turned to Meg. He spoke a few words into the phone then disconnected and slipped it into his pocket. Pepper watched every move he made with great appreciation. The way his fingers patted his pocket. How he reached out to hold Meg’s elbow. The delicious hug of his coat as it rode his wide shoulders and ended snugly about his trim hips. Pepper swallowed and blinked a couple of times to snap out of it, pretty sure she was close to drooling.

  “Have they called for your car?” he asked Meg.

  Pepper ached, wishing his voice sounded as full of caring for her as it did for his sister. He used to talk like that to her, only much more sensually. She hoped he would again someday.

  “Yep. I’m so glad you came this morning.” She hugged Tank, and the two of them carried on a conversation as if Pepper wasn’t standing awkwardly next to them.

  Pepper tried not to feel ill at ease or stare at them, but the affection they showed each other was like a knife slashing through her heart. She’d once been a part of their family unit even if her and Meg hadn’t become best friends. But not anymore. She stood silent and sad, watching Tank help Meg into the driver’s seat of the heavy-duty four-by-four truck and then slam the door. Meg’s gaze flickered ever so briefly through the passenger-side window at Pepper before she waved to Tank and drove off.

  He gave a few dollars to the valet, then slowly turned to face Pepper. Her heart stilled and she was breathless. What was he going to say? He looked at the bags scattered about. “So, what’s going on?”

  “I’m checking out.” She righted the one on the ground, then picked up her duffel, setting it on top.

  He nodded. “And you’re going where, then?”

  She shrugged. “Not sure yet.” She paused and glanced at him, a million thoughts racing around in her brain. She hadn’t really given any thought to where she would go and realized in that instant she had nowhere to turn. Except maybe for one place. Dare she ask? Was it her unconscious plan all along?

  “There’s an extra room…you know, the loft. I’d appreciate staying there until I get my feet back under me.”

  He laughed loudly, garnering a few curious looks from people around them. Pepper’s cheeks heated. “You’ve got to be kidding. You can’t stay with me—”

  “It wouldn’t be with you, Tank. It would be my own space, and don’t forget, it’s partly mine, you know.” She didn’t want to throw it out there like that, but it fell out of her mouth before she could stop it. A moment of awkward silence strained between them.

  Tank shifted his weight before planting his feet firm and wide, his arms crossed over his chest. The nicely worn leather coat did nothing to hide the power that radiated off him. His icy blue eyes were cold yet hot at the same time. It was all she could do not to squirm under his penetrating stare. She wished she could read his thoughts. The harder she looked for some spark of feeling the more she sank into their swirling depths.

  He couldn’t say no, could he? If he did, she would try to be more persuasive and tell him “no” wasn’t an option. Her belly quaked with anticipation.

  He sighed, then paused. “Stay here,” he ordered, then turned and marched down the snowy sidewalk. She watched him go. Dare she let the bubbling of happiness and excitement erupt? He hadn’t told her to get lost or to find somewhere else to stay. So that meant she was going with him, right? This was the first step in the right direction.

  —

  Goddamn it, Pepper was right. At some point their joint ownership would have to be dealt with. But live with him? Well, not with him but in the same building. Which, to him, was basically the equivalent. How would that work?

  Keep your enemies closer.

  Was she an enemy? He didn’t want to think so but he certainly didn’t trust her.

  His boots slid on the icy snow and he skidded to the Hummer. Tank guided the big vehicle between the rows of tightly parked cars and down a backstreet. He pulled up in front of the hotel on the opposite side of the road. Pepper stood bouncing on her toes with her arms wrapped around her middle, staring in the direction he had walked off in. He watched her for a minute. Her breath puffed in clouds on the frosty air and her fiery red hair blew around her face. She didn’t sweep it away but flipped her head to the side, trying to get it behind her back. It was obvious she had spent a lot of time in the sun. Her tan, even and deep, was unusual for a redhead. An image of her in a skimpy bikini seared his brain and his breath refused to move in and out of his lungs.

  Ah, shit, she was a stunner. He could only imagine the stir she’d caused at whatever beaches she’d pranced around on. He’d seen it firsthand when they’d gone away. She had no idea how many men he’d fended off on her behalf before they’d even had a chance to approach her.

  Had anyone done any fending off while she’d been gone? he wondered. Tank pressed his lips together, not liking that possibility one little bit.

  Her blood would still be thin and not used to this bone-chilling cold, but he made her wait a few seconds longer. For some reason, seeing her suffer didn’t bring him any sense of satisfaction. He wheeled around and pulled up to her. When he beeped the horn she jumped and turned around, looking startled and a little pissed off. The annoyed expression on her face vanished and was replaced with a smile as they made eye contact. Her piercing eyes pinned him to his seat. Still the spitfire he loved.

  Loved? Where did that come from? He didn’t love her. Far from it.

  He saw something else lurking in her eyes too. Something very unfamiliar. Despair, defeat? Did he even know her anymore? A lot of water had passed under their bridge. The only way to find out her story was to get to know her again. Keep her close but far enough away to not be tempted by her. Was that even possible? Tank wondered as the fire still simmering in his loins warmed and warned him.

 
; A gust of wind blew, swirling snow around her, and she shivered. He shook his head, noticing she wore the same clothes as last night. That perplexed him. The woman he’d known would never be caught dead wearing the same outfit twice. Was she really broke? Again he wondered if that was why she’d come back.

  She’d told him last night she had no money. What if she’d been robbed or had somehow lost it all? How could she lose so much money? Her inheritance from her mother had been considerable and he would be shocked if she’d squandered it all away, and she wasn’t a gambler. An unfamiliar feeling swelled in his chest: compassion.

  What the fuck? He shouldn’t be feeling anything but anger, especially after the way she’d careened back into his life, turning it all upside down. Not to mention how she’d left. Yet he felt sorry for her. Tank leaned over and flicked the passenger door open. “Get in.”

  Pepper didn’t waste time and lifted her skirt high, giving Tank a tantalizing view as she climbed inside. She hauled the door shut, snuggled on the leather seat, and crossed her never-ending legs, hooking a foot around her calf. “Mmm, the seats are heated.”

  Maybe it’ll burn your ass. Was she purposely trying to provoke him with a sexy peek of thigh, or the way she smiled at him after seeing him drive up? He’d have to keep his wits thoroughly intact around her. Tank leapt out into the cold winter air, welcoming the icy blast, and pitched her suitcases into the vehicle.

  Chapter 5

  They hadn’t said much on the drive to the restaurant. She followed close on his heels through the rear door from the back parking lot, trying not to let her teeth chatter. She hoped she wouldn’t catch pneumonia. The last thing she needed was to get sick. Through the other door was the restaurant and a wide stairway that she remembered led to the second floor of the warehouse. Climbing the stairs ahead of Tank, Pepper was acutely aware of his presence behind her. And of just how short her skirt was. The long climb in heels and wandering thoughts distracted her, and she tripped on the top step.